MADD = Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a limerick: 3_ \/3 / | 2 3 X pi 3_ | z dz X cos(--------) = ln (\/e ) | 9 / 1 Which, of course, translates to: Integral z-squared dz from 1 to the cube root of 3 times the cosine of three pi over 9 equals log of the cube root of 'e'. And it's correct, too. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This poem was written by John Saxon (an author of math textbooks). ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 Or for those who have trouble with the poem: A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is the number 10 afraid of seven? -- because seven ate nine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape. Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle. Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist [or engineer, or musician, or whatever the profession of the person addressed] have in common? A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician. Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest? A: A high-pot-in-use Q: What do you call a broken record? A: A Decca-gone Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? A: One hundred sows-and-bucks Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? A: To get to the other ... er, um ... Q: What is the world's longest song? A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A: He works it out with a pencil. Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice. A: Zorn's Lemon. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra. A: Elephant zebra sin theta. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber. A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana? A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule. Q: To what question is the answer "9W." A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cheers: E to the x dx dy radical transcendental pi secant cosine tangent sine 3.14159 2.71828 come on folks let's integerate!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is Quayle-o-phobia? A: The fear of the exponential (e). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Economist: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Definition: Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching $1000 per ounce. "A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?" "It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 97.3% of all statistics are made up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK 1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. 2. Isaac Newton's birthday. 3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it. 4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin. 5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged. 6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. 7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it. 8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one. 9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. 10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And the other guy says; "No, I am not scared, I am e to the x."